It’s been a while since I’ve written, especially about emotional intelligence. For me, this has been quite a journey, but I still have things to learn and improvements to make.
If you struggle with frustration in the workplace, I have empathy for you. One great place to start to change is with how you speak to yourself about yourself. We’ll call that 1st Person Self-Talk. Thoughts about your own weaknesses or incompetence are often polarized and inaccurate. They sabotage our productivity and self-worth. It’s important to address this first. For more information, see 1st Person Self-Talk: Be Merciful to Yourself.
Once you get past the negative image of yourself, congratulations. You’re not done. Happily, you’re in a much better position to address issues in your environment and how you let them affect you.
How many times do you get into a situation at work when something doesn’t go your way and you get frustrated at other people? What exactly is going on behind the curtain of your mind that is causing your emotional reaction? The next time this happens to you, pay attention. What are you thinking in relation to the other parties involved? This is your 2nd and 3rd Person Self-Talk. Here are some examples:
- You are so stupid and incompetent!
- He is so unfair and inconsiderate!
- You are so disconnected from reality!
- She doesn’t see the whole picture!
- I shouldn’t have to dumb down my language as much as you’re asking me to. You should understand these topics and be able to understand them.
- You set standards and then don’t live up to them. You hypocrite!
- It’s not my fault he’s a terrible communicator.
Pause. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING TO YOURSELF! It’s no wonder you are frustrated and angry.
Now that you have identified your thoughts, what do you do about them? Thinking the polarized, opposing versions of these thoughts rarely helps. You paint a picture you can’t believe. You also put yourself into a helpless position.
- He’s not stupid. He is brilliant and capable.
- She is so fair and considerate.
- You are plugged in and connected with reality.
- You get it.
- I’m happy to dumb my communication down for you. I enjoy doing all the communication tailoring in this relationship. No problem at all.
- Good collaboration is one of your strong points. I should look to you as a collaboration role model.
- He is a great communicator.
Remember to be both truthful and gracious toward others in your thoughts. Where can you find that gracious truth?
- You are pretty good at some things, like x, y, and z.
- You have some weaknesses that are really bothersome to me, but I’m not responsible to fix you. If you’re open to it, I have some thoughts to share, but I’m going to give myself permission to let you be you.
- If your behavior impacts me on multiple occasions, I’ll provide feedback and include specifics. It won’t be an impulse move, but a separate conversation when we’re both calm.
- I’m not perfect either, so I’ll be gracious and hope for you to be the same, but without expecting anything.
- I feel like I’m being really clear and providing the right information, but some things aren’t making sense to you. Let me try again.
Do you see how much better that feels? It’s truthful, yet gracious. Thinking of others in this way gives you the freedom to not control them and could open up doors in the future for you to be a positive influence on them, making you a potential influencer instead of a helpless victim. It also gives you permission to learn from others, even when you disagree with them or disapprove of their behavior.
Remember, the people in your organization don’t have to be perfect now, just like you don’t have to be perfect now. You don’t have to control or fix them and you don’t have to give up on them. There is a middle-ground: the gracious truth.
